Guess what? It took me about a year but after hours of patiently falling in love, and crying my eyes out to these nerds I have finished Campaign One: Vox Machina. I am excited to get on to Campaign Two, watch the whole gang of the Might Nein again and finally finish their stories, but… holy hell do I need a minute to recover.
So, recover we shall! The only way I know how, an essay for you to read this Friday and so, into it we dive.
As Critical Role have made their appearance on the Fortnightly Fixations feed before the Introduction can be found here, and all posts in relation to them under the tag here.
SPOILERS!
I’m Not Crying, You Are
I grew attached to these guys in a year, the cast had been playing for five, and the stream only covers three of those. Was I crying and squealing and trying so hard to hold it together? Yes. Were they? Also, yes.
Now, I love the cast just as much as I love their characters, so the whole thing is a whole other level of emotional. You watch TV, and all the crying when someone dies is acting, or at the very least you can assume as such and be okay. You watch it happen here and sure the whole cast are putting everything into their improv, but they are crying before and after that stuff begins and it’s a whole other level. I’m crying because they’re saying goodbye, and they’re crying because they’re saying goodbye and now I’m crying because they’re crying and everyone is crying!
I don’t mind crying. I had a friend try to cheer me up when I texted them when I hit the break in Episode 115: “The Chapter Closes”, and all I could say was that they may be sad tears but that does not make them bad tears. As much as D&D can be cathartic, as they have discussed, watching something like this can also be like that.
Holy hell, did I need a minute after the fact though. I stopped, I went to make dinner, tea, I put off continuing for half an hour to an hour… but that doesn’t make it bad. I cried my dear fandom heart out, and I loved every minute of it. These guys put everything into the narrative they make, and whether it hurts them or not, they also enjoy it. They don’t regret it. Some of them eat that angsty crap up. They can cry, and also have a shit eating grin when they talk about it. Matt can bring them to tears (and himself), and not a single one of them will say they’re not having fun anymore. They put every piece of their being into this story, and it’s beautiful. From beginning to end, the kinks of the start aside, this is a wonderful story, and I don’t recommend you skip a second of it. A slow episode will have a good joke, a good Twinsie Moment, a flirtation, a kiss, an embrace, a sacrifice, a promise, a kill-shot, a gag to look forward to. Every episode will make you laugh because it’s them, they’re having fun, and you feel like you’re apart of it. Every episode may not make you cry, but even in the midst of nearly five hours of combat they can be endearing and moving, and by god even in tears they can be their humorous selves.
I am thankful, like the thousands of others that expressed it in the comments of the VOD, thankful for everything this first Campaign has given us. Thankful to Matt for creating this world and narrative, to the whole cast for the characters they’ve introduced to us and let us love. Thankful for them streaming their game for the rest of us to love as much as them. Thankful for sparking my interest in D&D, I’m so glad I have that in my life now.
With that said, let us discuss Episode 115 shall we? (and a bit of Episode 114: “Vecna, the Ascended” too)
A Curse of Knowing
There is one thought I had quite a bit after finishing it, and it’s one I’ve had before after finishing other pieces of media: Knowing does not make it hurt less.
I knew Vax was going to die. We all did by the time it was coming about, we’ve had that information since Episode 103: “The Fate-Touched”, but I knew when I started Campaign One. I watched 115 episodes knowing from beginning to end that Vax’ildan was going to die at the end. I’ve known as such for years now. It made it no easier. Because knowing something is going to happen doesn’t change how much it’s going to hurt. Knowing is not the same as seeing, hearing, experiencing. A sentence of information does not equate to witnessing it happen. I knew Vax was going to die, I’d seen screenshots that haunted my dreams of the moment he said goodbye, but nothing compares to watching that sequence. That broke me. I knew it would, and still it did. You cannot be prepared. Fictional or not. You cannot prepare to experience that.
When I finished The Magnus Archives (yes, a post is coming, I swear!) I cried my dear heart out, because I knew. Had I spoiled the end of TMA for myself? No. I had whole-heartedly avoided spoilers to my best ability, my one TMA inclined friend would tell me nothing despite my persistent questions of confusions, despite my sending theories and guesses, despite everything she kept it all tight lipped, and credit to her because I break on that stuff so quickly. I always ask first, and hold that stuff tight as best I can, but I will be itching to tell you and eager for you to catch up and finish. Regardless, I knew. Pattern recognition, watching too much, whatever it was. I started Season 5, and after a few episodes I had figured out three outcomes. 1) Jon died 2) Martin died and 3) they both died. Understand I wanted none of these outcomes, but after four seasons of TMA you get used to the fact they don’t shy away from killing off characters, know that there are very few things that are off limits, and so many usual tropes and expectations they will push the boundaries on and maybe even dismantle all together. So, as unconventional as it might be, killing their main character(s) in the final episodes seemed not so far fetched an idea to me. Did having guessed, and grown increasingly suspicious that they were both about to die make it hurt any less when I listened to it? No, it was 2AM and I was crying my damn eyes out at the 20 minutes of pain that last episode was. Jon is an idiot, and they’re both in love. We knew this. I would expect nothing less, and wow… did I cry.
Then, they knew. That’s the slight difference in Vox Machina. They knew. The cast and characters. They had been told, and they were expecting it. They knew the conditions of his deal, and had had no time to fight against it. Everyone at the table and everyone in that crumbling tower knew. So, the minute Vecna was defeated they all held their breath. Every time Laura or Marisha mentioned they had their eyes on Vax, every time they told us they held his hand, we were reminded that for all they knew he would crumble into dust at any given moment, and Vex and Kiki didn’t want to turn around at any moment and see that he was no longer there. They knew he was going to die, they didn’t know how, they couldn’t predict at exactly which moment. We know going in that Vax thought he might die the minute Vecna was defeated because he ensured to catch every moment he could to hold Kiki’s hand, to kiss her, to love her, to be proud of her. He grasped at everything to make sure his sister, and the love of his life knew he loved them before going in, just in case he vanished the moment it was concluded.
They all knew. We saw it on their faces, and the stuff they said. They knew and they were scared.
Knowing Does Not Ease The Pain
That’s the thing about knowing, isn’t it? It holds you in suspense. Knowing makes you hesitant, scared, cautious. Knowing in vague details makes it worse. You know it’ll happen, and you can guess when but you don’t really know. Knowing means you watch your brother like a hawk, and knowing means you steal kisses between stabs at a god. Knowing means you cry before it happens. Knowing means the wait hurts just as much as the moment. Knowing means you hold on to him because you don’t know when you’ll never be able to do that again. Knowing means you are transfixed, and mournful in expectation.
Vax doesn’t stop being himself. He has confidence and is fearless because he knows when he’ll die now. Vax’s story isn’t an exploration of changing the future. He is literally immortal until the moment that Vecna is defeated, which is a presumption they make and then Artagan tests (what A Scene by the way). He is fearless because he knows the conditions upon which his death will come. He made that deal out of love for Vex and Kiki and the rest of Vox Machina. He is selfless and impulsive, always has been. Vex and Kiki are terrified because it is coming like a freight train and there is nothing they can do about it. Their days are consumed trying to stop Vecna. There is not a spare moment to research deals with Death Goddesses, and how to reverse or get out of them. He pledged himself once again, and bargained once more with his life and soul for Vex, and this time the rest of the world while he’s at it.
Vax had one dream for years, and he bargained it away for the world. He won’t get those endless years with Keyleth in Zephrah. It is a sad reality for him, and the anticipation of waiting for this, of putting Keyleth and Vex through those days (maybe less than a week by my count) of waiting for that moment is his only regret. He is sad. He is in pain because he is hurting the people he loves. He will miss them, but he will see them again. He is stealing every moment he can to say goodbye.
They are scared. There is nothing they can do, and this week of trying to settle themselves with the idea of losing him is not enough. It hurts. They know nothing and can do nothing. They are good people, and know the world is at a bigger threat and more important to deal with than the loss of Vax’s life. It’s already lost. Vax knows this and behaves as such. They are in suspense. They grow fearful. They don’t know enough to prepare. You see it in the way they behave when they do defeat Vecna, they fear that any moment will be the last. They don’t let go, they aren’t ready. When it does come they beg for his life. Knowing made it worse, it dragged out the pain. They were waiting for a dagger they saw coming and they couldn’t stop it. They just had to wait and ache till it came, and then grieve more.
For an audience: Knowing is nothing. Means nothing. When it comes to media like this, even if it takes you awhile to realise, in the end spoilers mean nothing. Sure, it doesn’t compare to going in blind, and I would sell parts of my soul to get to experience some of my favourite shows for the first time again, but nevertheless, it’s always the case that even if I know what is to come I will cry no less. Hell, I can rewatch/listen to that stuff, and cry just as much. There are several of my loved shows that I will begin rewatching and not finish because I cannot, at that particular moment, handle the teary end again. I have and will rewatch many of those to the end, but sometimes you have the moments where you know you can’t handle it right then at that moment of watching it.
In the case of Vax’s death there’s several layers to it, because of the format. Several layers of people know it is coming: The Cast, The Character’s, and The Audience. Depending on the show all of these people may know on other shows as well, but the difference is we see the reactions of The Cast as well as The Characters AS we are watching. Then! You can scroll comments on the VOD to see Audience reactions, and I’m sure the chat when it was live was far from quiet.
The Character’s know. As powerful as they are, they can’t think of or find a way in the time frame they have to stop this. They don’t accept it but there is nothing they can do. They see it coming and mourn.
The Cast know. They look at every tool and stat in their handbook to do anything. There is nothing. In Episode 114 Sam mourns for his Husband’s D&D Character the minute he uses his 9th level spell, because that’s all the hope he had right there. To my recollection, so far, this may be the first time Sam has cried on Stream. He is mourning Vax then, he is sorry to Liam because he can’t save him now. The Cast know, and try to stall going into the Session’s like this. There is nothing within the game they can do, despite their best efforts.
Their DM knew. Matt laid the groundwork, and we see him push through this happening. When you catch Matt having to wipe away tears it breaks you. If you weren’t already crying, you start, and if you were, you tear up a little more. Magically solving Vax’s issue would’ve lessened the impact of his deal to begin with, he had to follow through. I suspect he knew that.
The Audience knows, and as discussed, expectation is nothing compared to experience.
A Wish
All that said, I think we should discuss the potential of that Wish.
The narrative in it’s entirety is, painful, but beautiful. Considering so much of what happens in Vox Machina ends up being improv, we know Matt prepares as best as possible but we don’t know how much he ultimately improvs. From the few times I’ve seen him appear on Talks Machina he’s often annoyingly tight-lipped about a lot of things. Credit to him, as a DM I find it so hard to keep all my secrets to myself especially after they’ve come up in a session. For me, this usually means a friend who is not involved in the Campaign here’s all about it. The point is, the story and narrative Matt has created is beautiful, considering how it’s told, and the player’s improv is wonderful and compliments it beautifully. They all have stories they want to tell and regardless of how little they can ultimately plan, and risk being laughed at by Dice Gods, the story is beautiful, pain included.
So? I don’t want Vax to live as equally as I don’t want him to die. I can appreciate a good narrative, and anyone who has dabbled even slightly into writing their own narratives or analysing the narratives in their favourite pieces of media will know almost everything in a good story has to feel earned. In my opinion, this includes death. This does not mean a character has to earn the right to die, it means it must be earned by the story. A character can die and it can feel undeserved, but being undeserved is not the same as unearned. In the same effect that character development and relationships must feel earned by the narrative. Character’s can die unexpectedly with no foreshadowing and it can feel earned narratively, even if that is in retrospect. Vax’s death feels narratively earned, even within his own story arc. Having made the deal, and developed how he had, it would’ve been a disservice to his story to backtrack on it at the last second.
We want a 9th Level miracle, yes, but the narrative is no worse for the follow through. I’d have loved him to live, but I am not mad he died. It felt earned. It was beautiful. I have been mad other character’s have died in other shows, because they come out of nowhere and the narrative is worse off for it. If the story does not suffer then I will be upset and frustrated but not because the narrative is bad. Just because I miss them. Vax died at the end, you miss him less as a single person when everyone else is about to leave us too. Jon and Martin dying is earned by the narrative, you almost see it coming, I’m upset they’re dead, but it was written beautifully. They earned that.
See, the thing with D&D as discussed, is the limited planning. There are many times we almost lost these characters before, and it would’ve simply come down to dice rolls. Having the power to revive a character does not guarantee a success, as Matt has home-brewed rules to ensure, which is good. D&D creates a world where death becomes obsolete if you are rich and/or powerful enough. His rules ground it as a reality again. They can all plan to infinity but a few ill-timed Nat1’s and we lose them to a Fireball, or a poor choice, or failed Stealth role. Earning a death in that sense is not as easy, but then you earn that death in retrospect, which the casts history tells me they would do. Narratives can do this. Scanlan leaves rather than dies, but his departure is earned both leading up to, in practice, and during. Taryon’s momentary membership to Vox Machina does not detract from the story. I would feel comfortable arguing that Critical Role could effectively earn an unexpected death from the evidence I’ve seen. A point I feel needs stating when we’re talking about a largely improved narrative, it being slightly different from a well scripted narrative, credit should be given to them in regards to that.
So… Sam/Scanlan’s Spell? A Miracle would’ve been nice… if he did it right. Being Sam, I think he would. You can picture the moment he pulls out Wish and brings his friend back, or challenges The Raven Queen. The payoff, theoretically, could’ve been just as good. When he asks “We don’t even get a night?” you can see he’s still got that little spark of hope that he could’ve got his spell slot back and saved him. I have theorised that the only reason Vax survives as much of the episode as he does is because Matt was stalling for Ashley to be there, but I would not put it past him to have planned to ensure The Raven Queen comes to collect before they had the chance to rest. I would guess that Percy could’ve rolled a Saving Throw into the 30’s approaching the Raven Queen and it would’ve still failed, the moment wasn’t about Percy, and simply walking up and standing between Vax and the Raven Queen was never going to be enough to stop it. Matt’s not against them, but he sure as hell knows how to create A Moment, and he’d have planned to ensure that Vax’s death and goodbyes got all the spotlight and impact that they deserved… and they did. If Sam had saved his 9th Level spell Matt would’ve let him use it, but as he hadn’t, we’re here.
Scanlan saving Vax has all the potential to be just as impactful as his death. The cheers, the smiles, the thank yous, the tears. They’d have been googling, and handbook searching, and backup plans enacted, reevaluating expectations for the rest of the episode. Matt probably had plans for that reality on the off chance they found a way, and if not he would’ve improvised well and given that moment all the justice it deserved as well. A well-worded Wish had all the potential to save his life, but if Sam hadn’t used it to stop Vecna would they even be stood there at all? The impact of the moment he used it wouldn’t be there, and that’s comparable in retrospect to the death itself. There’s pre-mourning in that moment. The impact of the death would be negated for this success. Narratively, which do you prefer?
Gods
Look, when the list of things you cannot do or undo are as short as the ingredients list on a ham sandwich you are essentially Gods. They knew this, hell Keyleth has said it (with regret).
If any of them had died during the Vecna fight, it would be as painful as all the rest but reversible. For Vax to stay dead it had to be this. There are few spells in D&D they don’t have access to at this point that could reverse nearly all forms of death, including as they had planned to do when Vax initially died, spells that get us back our loves from just ashes. If Vax had died any other way there would’ve been a way… but when a god claims you? What do you do then?
They are comparable in power to a god, so what else could take them away? So, this had to be a deal with the goddess of death to stick.
For every day following Scanlan has his 9th Level Spell slot back, there is nothing stopping him from making that Wish then… but whatever they may Wish for, his death will be lessened if undone. The only time to do it would be in the moment, to prevent it, for the impact to be equal. For every day afterwards, they would undo this beautiful hurtful moment.
So, it will stick, regardless of their power level. Regardless of every Long Rest that aids them. Regardless of each journey they may do thereafter. They retire, and he stays dead, because undoing it does a disservice, where preventing it would not have.
Goddamn it, Liam
AND THEN HE CLOSED HIS BINDER.
Liam O’Brien, that hurt.
And what hurt more was his absence from the table! It’s the last session of their five year campaign and he’s watching from the side lines!
I don’t think it would’ve hurt any less for him to be sat at the table, and I understand why he’s not.
That doesn’t mean I have to like it.
On Happier Notes!
I loved all their epilogue’s. Scanlan and Pike getting together! Grog learning to read! Percy and Vex settling down how they do, their hinted at future kids and the people to whom they are named for. The progress made in Whitestone. The long life of Keyleth, the slight mourning for the missed life with Vax, and that last line Matt ended it on, the last final tear of that Campaign I swear.
And as a last thing, Scanlan may have been strangely secretive about his age all campaign but I would expect nothing less from Sam Riegel for it to turn out he was 69 when they started.
To Conclude
Pardon my language, but holy shit, I can’t believe I’ve finished Vox Machina after all this time.
I am beyond excited to dive into The Mighty Nein again. Hopefully I emotionally recover from this ending before I reach M9 in my journey of watching, having still got many of the in between one-shots to watch first.
Thank you for reading this longer than I planned post. I hope you enjoyed it and hope you join me for the next one, whatever it may be on.
See you in a fortnight!
On to the next!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the images, narratives or characters present or referenced in this post. All rights belong to Critical Role and all other relevant parties.